Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Wine, women and song

My forthcoming marriage necessitates some ritual which I understand is known as a stag night. I'm not sure about this. Only yesterday we learnt in the news that being a stag is not at all what it's cracked up to be. I have no idea of what is actually going to happen. Perhaps it is better like this.

But lo, this morning, in the post comes a letter from my father who has found in the family archives the text of some ancient drinking song which is - and I quote - 'for your batchelor night [...] Or perhaps you would like to sing it to [your fiancée].'

I fear my fiancée's taste in music might preclude the latter possibility. But reading through the text for the first time after many years, I am sure that it might find a place at the two - yes, two, count 'em, two - stag gatherings prior to my nuptials.

I have no control incidentally over these two gatherings which are being organised in the greatest secrecy, so for those of you who will not be attending, I offer you the song now on this blog. The words should be sung to the tune of Men of Harlech.

The public vocation of this blog induces me to remind readers of the damage heavy drinking can to to their physical health and the even greater damage total abstinence can do to their moral health. That said, no scientist ever yet proved that singing about drinking is bad for you!

The Drinking Song

What's the use of drink tea,
Indulging in sobriety,
Or tea-total perversity,
It's healthier to booze.

What's the use of milk and water,
These are things that never oughta,
Be allowed in any quarter,
Come on, lose your blues!

Mix yourself a shandy,
Drown yourself in brandy,
Sherry sweet or whisky neat,
Or any other liquor that is handy!
There's no blinkin' use in drinkin',
Anything that doesn't leave you stinkin'!
There's no happiness like sinkin',
Blotto to the floor.

Aberration metabolic,
Ceilings that are hyperbolic,
These are for the alcoholic,
Lying on the floor.

Vodka for the arty,
Gin to make you hearty,
Lemonade was only made,
For drinking when your mother's at the party!
Steer well clear of homemade beer,
And anything which isn't labled clear,
There is nothing else to fear,
It's bottoms up, me boys!


JARay said...

I rather thought that your lass was a Yorkshire Tyke, so what's with this Welsh ditty?! Mind you, it is a bluddy gud'n!
As for avoiding homebrew...well, I've had some gud'ns and I need to get back to the task myself.
God bless Brian and may all your problems be little ones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a matter of fact, the best wedding I ever attended was my own in Cork and all finished up downing crates of Guiness and dancing away after moving the tables and chairs to the sides of the room.

JARay said...

p.s. I must add that I sang "Waltzing Matilda" as my contribution to the craic and I had no idea, at that time, that I would eventually finish up in this land "down under".

Ches said...

Thanks, JARay! There will be a full report on the wedding in late November!

GOR said...

Loved the drinking song, Ches! Your Dad sounds like a man after my own heart.

I was wondering that as your beloved is Welsh, does she or her family speak Welsh? And if so will there be a pre-nuptial requirement that you learn the language?

If so then here’s a starter. For the nuptials I hope you will be fel ci efo dau gynffon. And for the stag party: lechyd da!

And no, I don’t speak Welsh (ain’t Google great?). It’s all Greek to me. Actually I think Greek is easier! As was said in the movie Amadeus about one of Mozart’s compositions: “too many notes!” so with Welsh: “too many consonants!”

Ches said...

She is in fact a Yorkie, GOR, though she has recently acquired quasi-Welsh links.

As to pre-nuptials, they invalidate a marriage so I cannot go near one ;-)